


falling action

by strawberrv



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide Attempt, hanbin has bpd but he doesnt know, set during mix&match
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-05-12
Packaged: 2018-10-30 21:37:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10885407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberrv/pseuds/strawberrv
Summary: not much changes. except, you know, everything changes.





	falling action

**Author's Note:**

> this is a weird ikon thing i wrote a while ago. i barely edited it, so sorry for anything that's bad.

hanbin often wondered during training if knowing when he would debut would make it easier. if it would make writing lyrics until dawn and dancing until jiwon has to come get him and drive him to the hospital for an iv drip easier.

hanbin wants to go back in time and punch himself in the face. _yeah asshole you’re doing the easy shit right now so enjoy it._

he can imagine his 15 year old self looking back at him, all lanky limbs and defiant eyes.

yeah, this is definitely harder. to be so very, tantalizingly close to the only thing you’ve wanted in the last four years and then wonder if you really want it after all. it’s torture.

-|-

“chanwoo’s sick.” somehow jinhwan fills up all the negative space in any room he’s in. he kind of seeps into all the corners and shadows and he doesn’t even let you notice until he’s gone and everything suddenly feels a little wrong. it’s maddening but hanbin doesn’t know what he would do without it.

some squeaky, oily little voice in a corner of his mind whispers, _let’s find out,_ and hanbin drops his pen on the desk with a clatter. his back strains and pulls around his shoulder blades as he turns toward the door.

jinhwan looks… lost? lost. like he’s trying to find something and thought he’d look here. hanbin knows what jinhwan wants from him. he also knows that he can’t be that right now. years stretch between them and strain with the distance.

“what the fuck am i supposed to do about it?” it’s the wrong thing to say but when does hanbin say anything right.

jinhwan is angry but mostly disappointed, which is pretty much what hanbin expected. he can’t remember why he wanted this.

“jiwon’s taking a car with him to the hospital.” the words sound final but jinhwan doesn’t leave.

hanbin’s first thought (worry worry worry. perhaps with a side of gratitude for jiwon’s existence) doesn’t quite make it to his mouth.

“about time he got his first iv drip. at least he’s been working hard.” jinhwan is angry but mostly disappointed, which is pretty much what hanbin expected. he can’t remember why he wanted this.

jinhwan is about to leave, he really is, hanbin can feel it, can even hear sneakers squeak on sticky hardwood and a small hand settle on the doorknob. jinhwan doesn’t leave.

“just because we almost killed ourselves training doesn’t mean they have to.”

oh. the squeaky oily voice in hanbin’s head is offended.

hanbin shoves headphones hanging off one ear down onto his neck and turns completely around to face jinhwan. somehow he fills up the room.

“and why the fuck not, hyung? please tell me why i’ve spent all this time here, why i dropped out of school, why i don't get to see my little sister grow up. please, dear god tell me why i broke my back trying to debut when _they,_ ” he spits it like poison, “can do it in two months? tell me!”

jinhwan leaves. the slam of the door gives hanbin a headache.

-|-

the dorm is quiet quiet quiet, exhaustion filling the air. jiwon and chanwoo must have come home already.

sure enough, chanwoo is buried under several duvets and even one of their winter coats on the couch, a tall glass of water sweating condensation all over the coffee table. jiwon really does too much.

hongseok and jinhyeong sleep soundly on the borrowed bunk shoved hastily against the wall. strangers in their house.

anger and something worse boil and boil in hanbin’s chest, steam rising to his head. nausea teases him and he’s spinning lurching turning while he’s standing still. he squeezes his eyes shut and listens to his skull pound.

 

when hanbin shoulders the bedroom door open, he knows junhwe’s awake but neither of them acknowledge it.

quiet quiet quiet.

his clothes are dirty and stiff, the film of unwash heavy on his skin. neon numbers turn his vision green for a second on jinhwan’s bedside. he can’t remember all the hours he’s been up. (and still nothing accomplished.)

he’s too tired to shower. out of one t-shirt and into another. what day is it? is it already tomorrow? he squints at his phone screen in the dark, eyes stinging. there are seven different alarms and he only knows what two of them are for. he sets the six am one, that’ll be two and a half hours for sleep, it’ll be enough. has to be enough whether it really is or not.

his bed is cold and it freezes his lungs over, breath clunking to a stop. he lets his eyes snap sideways to see jiwon sharing jinhwan’s warmth instead.

neon numbers on the bedside. hanbin rolls over. blood in his ears and he can’t hear anything. quiet quiet quiet.

the blinds are open but there are no stars. only the odd glow of seoul that’s somehow always everywhere. he hasn’t been outside in days but he knows he’s in seoul beyond a shadow of doubt.

he stays like that for a while, letting his mattress slowly sink under his weight, staring down the night sky. he wonders if morning will ever come.

a cough and a swallow break up the pounding in hanbin’s head.

“you good?” junhwe’s voice is usually kind of like a car engine but now it seems more like thunder from far away.

this is the way he’s worked out to ask if hanbin will be around tomorrow, if he won’t break and run off and shut down like he does.

junhwe’s asking if he should wake up the rest of them when hanbin’s alarm goes off, if he should tell donghyuk everything’s ok and watch yunhyeong cry and see jinhwan coil tight like a spring and stare into the questioning, unfamiliar eyes of the strangers sleeping in their house and tell them that _it’s fine, we’re not in trouble, hanbin hyung just does this sometimes._

“you good?” is junhwe asking if he has to try to tread water with his arms tied behind his back and watch jiwon pretend to be ok until hanbin resets and comes trudging back to the studio, because that’s what always happens.

junhwe’s asking a lot of things and for a while hanbin can’t answer. can only shift his gaze from the window to the pile of blankets beside him, the one asking him the impossible question.

“i’m good.” and junhwe just gives a little rumble and pulls the sheets up higher. it’s true. has to be true whether it really is or not.

(it’s not, they both know that, but junhwe will play pretend with hanbin for as long he needs.)

jiwon coughs and jinhwan sniffles in response. hanbin's dizzy as he lies still, and it’s quiet quiet quiet.

-|-

he blinks and it’s what looks like morning, though he feels like he left his body behind in the middle of the night, in the neon glow of seoul.

things clatter in the kitchen and he can’t work out who would make an attempt at cooking, until donghyuk’s voice buzzes through the open door.

“are you trying to make us breakfast, chanwoo-ah? what a cute maknae!” something bitter lingers in hanbin’s mouth. he can’t remember if he brushed his teeth last night.

-|-

filming is difficult.

for all of them, he knows, but for hanbin there’s something almost mocking about the dark glinting lenses and half awake crew.

when they’d walked into that room and seen all those damn cameras, god - hanbin had thought he might give up right there. had imagined his legs collapsing like old brick underneath him, crumbling and disintegrating until he’s on the floor.

he searched for jiwon and the other was already looking, and they talked with their eyes for a few moments.

and then, with the certainty of someone who owns other people and knows it, ceo yang walked in and they’re bowing into their knees. and then they’d had to stand there, and listen to themselves scream while they were humiliated again.

that’s what it was, humiliation. the red hot, undignified feeling that raced up hanbin’s throat as the ceo announced them as the main characters in yet another survival show.

they all pretended to know what mix&match meant, and latched onto that gleaming shred of hope (maybe it was tinfoil made to look like hope) called _ikon._ debut. finally. 

but as if that wasn’t enough, as if it wouldn’t have been fall on your ass _hilarious_ enough before, the other two had walked in. and it was bad.

hanbin could feel it like glass in his veins, the pure rage of injustice cutting up his insides. he felt jiwon’s eyes on him, warning warning warning him not to lose it, not to break, not with all those goddamn cameras there. jiwon really does too much.

-|-

it’s two minutes past six according to the large numbers on hanbin’s phone, and he doesn’t remember turning off the alarm. jinhwan floats in from across the hall, clean and damp and looking like he’s got his life in order. hanbin wants to ask him how to do it. 

jinhwan really does look like he’s somewhere else, not in a dazed way but in an almost imperial way, like he’s simply somewhere much lovelier than everyone else. hanbin doesn’t know where, but it’s certainly much nicer than hanbin’s personal corner of hell that he’s been living in.

he’s existing in the same room as jinhwan as the older boy towels through his hair, but it looks like jinhwan’s in a rose garden and hanbin’s lying in a back alley (in the neon glow of seoul). he wants to ask jinhwan for directions to the rose garden.

the studio is the worst. hanbin would burn the suffocating little room to the ground if he could.

no one is allowed in at night when hanbin’s working through darkness (except for jiwon, sometimes, but this is a secret that hanbin doesn’t even let himself believe).

at some point hanbin had accepted the fact that he would probably die in here, computer still on with horrible, unfinished music taking up the screen. no one would really find his body for a couple of days, and somehow this comforts him.

jinhwan isn't really supposed to be in here while hanbin works through the darkness, but jinhwan could probably murder hanbin’s whole family and hanbin would forgive him.

the computer whirrs insistently and hanbin mashes the ctrl+s keys just in case.

(there was one night, one very bad night where the computer whirred and he didn’t save and he lost the skeletons to three new songs, but he’s pretty much successfully repressed it.)

jinhwan sighs at something on his phone, feet propped up on the arm of hanbin’s chair. the cotton of his socks brushes against hanbin’s shoulder once in a while, soothing, reminding, grounding. it goes like this for maybe another hour or so; time kind of stops being a thing as soon as hanbin sets foot in this studio, especially at night. 

-|-

jiwon hasn’t tried to suppress the night hanbin didn’t save and lost three songs. jiwon remembers details. jiwon remembers hanbin trying to kill himself. there’s really no dancing around it. that’s what happened.

jiwon doesn’t want to forget.

-|-

_“w-what if i got hit by a bus.” jiwon tightens his grip on hanbin’s wrists._

_“you’re not gonna get hit by a bus.”_

_the dorm is empty because jiwon told everyone to go to practice without them. because if he had to watch hanbin suffer through another day with dead eyes and tired limbs he would probably scream._

_hanbin’s shaking. jiwon doesn’t know what to do._

_what a pair._

_hanbin reminds him of a wind-up toy, just going going and going because that’s what has to be done, except when he stops going he doesn’t just stop. hanbin is a wind-up toy that falls apart every time he stops. jiwon is there waiting with superglue._

__delicately, gently, carefully, _he reminds himself._

 _jiwon is not instinctively gentle, usual nature leaning towards loud words and bright smiles and warm hands. jiwon heals by warming everything up, but hanbin does not need warmth. he does not need fast food and video games like donghyuk. so jiwon reminds himself,_ be gentle, kim bobby.

_“it’s not worth it.” hanbin’s voice breaks and he inhales too fast, too much. the air comes rushing out with his next words._

_“it’s not even worth it they lied to us they lied to me it doesn’t even mean anything,” he wheezes, beginning to rock back and forth on the hardwood. jiwon holds his wrists. the left one is still bleeding._

_“what did they lie about?”_

_“e-everything! we’re not gonna debut my music is never gonna see the light of fucking day and i want to go back home but i’m gonna get hit by a bus.” his chest heaves. jiwon tries not to cry._

_“you’re not gonna get hit by a bus.” hanbin yanks his arms out of jiwon’s grip, wrists coming out marred and red and smeared._

_“BUT I WANT TO GET HIT BY A BUS!!” he’s standing, delirium making his eyes shine._

_“JUST BAM AND THEN - AND THEN GONE AND IT’LL BE FINE!”_

_jiwon chases. tries to catch hanbin because he’s falling so fast._ gentle gentle gentle.

_“it won’t be fine, hanbin. it won’t be fucking fine!” jiwon takes his hands this time, fingers sticky with crimson but there nonetheless._

_“you haven’t even gotten there yet,” he chokes._

_“you haven’t even gotten to the good part. and i guess you’re just gonna have to trust me because there_ is _a good part. i promise.”_

_hanbin’s still shaking. shaking apart and jiwon’s almost out of superglue._

_he laces their fingers, sticking and slipping but there nonetheless._

_“hanbin please… please. i can’t. without you i… just please ok?”_

_his voice, whispering and cracking._

_“hanbin_ please. _”_

_his eyes, crying._

_“i… i can’t i can’t.”_

_his heart. bleeding._

_jiwon pulls hanbin close, breathless and scared and damn near hopeless, but there nonetheless._

-|-

chanwoo is just a kid and hanbin feels guilty.

jinhyeong deserved more and hanbin feels guilty.

hongseok will probably make it anyway and still, hanbin feels guilty.

he feels the cameras on his back and hates it. he can’t stop to wonder if this is worth it anymore because now he’s in it.

jiwon sleeps in hanbin’s bed, most nights. hanbin thinks this might be enough to heal.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading
> 
> ssugaa.tumblr.com


End file.
